Column: Things the Buyside Never Wants to Hear, But Usually Does

In an earlier piece in, our irreverent columnist Dopey offered his "20 Things a Sales Trader Does Not Want to Hear from a Client." In this week’s edition, the shoe is now on the other foot, as he recounts what the buyside doesn’t want to hear from a sales trader.

>>Yeah… Uh… It’s a Street wide problem.

>>Really, you’re not seeing any reports back?

>>That’s weird… let me see what’s going on.

>>I thought for sure this thing was gonna come in.

>>Well, you did tell me to take my time.

>>Oh–you said BUY them?

>>Are you sure you gave me a limit?

>>Hey good news–I found a seller. You bought your last 50k and I can bring out some real size here.

>>I just got my bonus number bro–and it’s even more than I expected. Thanks for a sick year.

>>Yes, technically you did say to stretch it out over the day, but I thought you’d be pumped.

>>Sorry about that – I had a late night.

>>You’re absolutely right. We’re doing a horrible job on this one. My trader sucks–let me give it to somebody else.

>>It looks like we missed the open… again. I’m not sure how that happened. So what do you wanna do now?

>>Another 200k just hit the tape, and no, that wasn’t us, either.

>>No, I didn’t call anyone! I have no idea why it just dropped 4 percent and you’re being told we have size for sale.

>>Listen, I had a big night last night–ended up in the VIP room. I just listed your entire desk on the expense report. I hope that’s cool. It’s just that there’s no way I’m paying for this boondoggle.

>>I told my boss we have a lunch today. So, if you wouldn’t mind – just don’t call here or answer the wire. I’ll give you a heads up when I get back. Thanks, bro.

>>I probably should have told you this earlier, but I’m leaving in like five minutes to go play golf.

Don’t worry about your order. I’m leaving it with my assistant. It’s cool, he’s gotten much better–just be specific and talk slow. Talk to you Monday.

>>You mean I never told you that you were done? How was I supposed to know you have more?

>>I picked up the new Benz last night. I just emailed you some pictures… I mean, after all–you basically paid for it. It’s sweet.